Seth Brown: I got 39 points; take this America quiz!

Hey, kids, it's your Crazy Uncle Seth, here with another fun activity for you. Quizzes that ask you a series of questions and then give you an official-looking score are all the rage on Facebook, so we've put together a little quiz of our own where you can try to get as many points as possible. Then you can share your score with your friends to see who is the most stereo-typically American.

How American are you?

What's in your hamburger?

- Cow — gain two America points

- Ham and presumably burger? — gain one America point

- Organic grass-fed beef — gain three America points

- Whatever McDonald's gives me — gain three America points

- Vegetables — gain one America point

- The only food I eat is pizza — gain five America points

How well do you like your hamburger cooked?

- Medium-rare — gain one America point

- Char-broiled — gain two America points

- Rare and bloody — gain three America points

- Still mooing — gain five America points

- Still mooing even though it was vegetables and not meat — gain two America points and one mad science point

Which of these do you like to drink?

- Water — gain one America point

- Soda — gain two America points

- Cold beer — gain three America points

- Milkshakes — gain four America points

- Ketchup — gain five America points

- Hamburger slurry with ketchup — gain 10 America points

How much do you eat at a buffet?

- No more than a regular meal; I just like variety — gain one America point

- Multiple plates, I keep going back for more until I am full — gain three America points

- I keep going back until I am full, then I go back ONE MORE TIME because I paid for it and it is food — gain five America points

- I don't go to buffets because I prefer quality over quantity — gain one America point

- I don't go to buffets because there is a food trough next to me at all times — gain four America points

To which of these places would you like to go on vacation?

- Disneyland/Disneyworld — gain one America point

- Las Vegas/Atlantic City — gain one America point

- Florida/California — gain one America point

- Anywhere to get away from my kids — gain three America points

Which of these Super-American things are you a fan of?

- Hotdog eating contests, because it combines processed meats with overconsumption — gain five America points

- The Hamilton musical, because it combines US History and hip-hop — gain five America points

- Bacon-scented condoms, because bacon-scented condoms — gain five America points

- The Statue of Liberty, because it is an internationally recognized symbolic beacon of freedom with a quote reminding us that people from all over the world came here to be free — gain 10 America points

- Actual Nazis marching through Virgina giving Nazi salutes and waving Nazi flags — lose 1 billion America points.


Whatever you eat, drink, or do to relax is all good if it doesn't hurt anyone else, because doing whatever you want is totally American. Just don't support Nazis!

— Seth Brown is an award-winning humor columnist, the author of "From God To Verse", and like most of you, is an American. His website is

The opinions expressed by columnists do not necessarily reflect the views of the Bennington Banner.


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