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(To be sung to the tune of “American Pie” by Don McLean.)By Seth Brown

A short, short time ago

I can still remember how I’d stare for hours at my screen.

And I knew that it made me stressed,

To read the feed and get depressed,

But how else would I know where folks had been?

Then in October, something happened,

The engineers were clearly nappin’

A DNS unlisted,

As if had not existed.

I can’t remember if I cried,

But my loneliness intensified

I finally had to go outside

The day that Facebook died

So bye, bye, Mister Zuckerberg Guy

The dictator of our data saw his site go offline

Though for a while, it made me just want to whine,

Maybe life that’s not on Facebook is fine,

Life that’s not on Facebook is fine.

How did people stay in touch,

Before social media and such,

Someone tell me; I don’t know!

Now did people just talk on their phones,

Or simply stay alone at home?

‘Cause in pandemic, there’s nowhere to go...

Well, in college I had lots of friends,

That I’d see each day and on weekends,

Those days are now long gone,

My friends moved away and moved on.

I was a happy teenage socialite,

With a group of friends that was really tight,

But now we rarely visit, rarely write,

It’s all on Facebook’s site.

So I hate saying,

Bye, bye, Mister Zuckerberg Guy

The dictator of our data saw his site go offline

Though for a while, it made me just want to whine,

Maybe life that’s not on Facebook is fine,

Life that’s not on Facebook is fine.

Now for years we’ve been on Facebook’s app,

And it pushes lots of awful crap,

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I know that I should probably leave.

When I try to find good alternatives,

Like Google Plus, they are short-lived,

I still miss LiveJournal and grieve.

So, how did Facebook go down so long?

The biggest thing that they did wrong,

Was their system all connects,

And thus couldn’t self-correct.

And their building’s own doors locked them out,

The badge-readers had no look-up route,

A victim of their own high clout.

Seems fair that Facebook died

So cry, cry, Mister Zuckerberg Guy

The dictator of our data saw his site go offline

And though for a while, it made me just want to whine,

Maybe life that’s not on Facebook is fine,

Life that’s not on Facebook is fine.

Goin’ slower than an old churchgoer,

The media ignored the whistleblower

Who was explaining Facebook’s crimes.

She testified they know full well

They’re driving us down a road to hell,

But will gladly harm the public for a dime.

So Facebook has made a mockery

Of a functioning democracy.

These problems could be solved,

But the integrity team dissolved

‘Cause the profits are the only goal,

Causing harm’s okay when your heart is coal,

We’ve seen ruined lives and tarnished souls,

Which Facebook did provide.

So we’re saying, Fie! Fie! Mister Zuckerberg Guy,

The dictator of our data spreads misinfo online,

And he won’t care, unless it costs him a fine,

Maybe laws could use a better design,

Laws could use a better design.

Bye, bye, Mister Zuckerberg Guy

The dictator of our data saw his site go offline

Though for a while, it made me just want to whine,

Maybe life that’s not on Facebook is fine,

Life that’s not on Facebook is fine.

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor writer, the author of “The Disapproval Of My Toaster”, and a sad Facebook addict.

His website is RisingPun.com.


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