THE PUN ALSO RISES: True Facts about June
June is the sixth month of the year, and is symbolized with a pearl as a birthstone. Pearls are formed when an irritating object (such as Kim Kardashian) finds its way inside of a mollusc. Pearls are the best things you can find inside an oyster, unless you are in the middle of eating seafood stew, in which case pearls are the worst things you can find inside an oyster. In Seattle, pearls are sometimes ground into jam, which is why Seattle’s famous band is named "Nirvana."
June is named for the Roman goddess of birth and marriage: Juno. Admittedly, this is not a terribly feminine name, but when she tried to spell it in a more French and feminine manner, nobody knew how to spell it. It got a cold reception, with people asking each other if they knew the new spelling: "Juneau?" "No, but Alaska!" Juno’s Greek counterpart was Hera, but nobody really liked her, which is why she doesn’t have her own month.
The end of June marks the halfway point of the year. This raises (but does not beg) a question: If we were to cut the year in half at June, which half would you take? Well, that’s a trick question, and if you wanted the year cut in half at all, that proves it doesn’t belong to you because you wouldn’t want to injure the year. Presuming the year is a baby, which I’m pretty sure is how it’s represented in January, and it’s only five months older now. You year-murderer.
Juno is also the goddess of marriage, which when it ends, also usually involves splitting things in half. If you split the globe in half, June is the month with the longest daylight hours in the Northern hemisphere, the month with shortest daylight hours in the Southern hemisphere, and the month with the most parasailing accidents in the Western hemisphere.
According to the astrological signs of the Zodiac, June starts with Gemini and ends with Cancer. When it comes to any sort of fortune telling or prognostication about your future, you generally do not want it to end with Cancer. For these reason, babies are advised to avoid being born in June if at all possible. And it is possible, if your parents can keep their hands to themselves in September. Maybe watch that new season of TV shows.
June is one of two months to have its own bug. The Junebug, or June Beetle if you’re more formal, or Cotinis Nitida if you’re an entomologist, is a small green beetle native to the eastern United States. They received the name because the adults tend to first appear each year in June, and because they are bugs. They are especially attracted to rotting fruit, which is why nobody has ever successfully sold deodorant to a Junebug.
June is the furthest month on the calendar from Christmas. For this reason, if anyone has Christmas decorations up in June, it is legal to kill them in over 17 states. What is wrong with you, put up a Maypole or a flag or something, those lights need to come down.
Jejune comes from the French phrase meaning "I June." It is how we describe something that is childish and unsophisticated, such as ending your humor column with the word "butts."
Seth Brown is an award-winning humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and usually writes a more august column. His website is RisingPun.com.
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