The Pun Also Rises: New Ears Resolutions


One of the things that makes New Years resolutions so stultifyingly boring is the fact that they all tend to sound the same. I actually suggest very different resolutions than most people, but they sound the same if you aren't listening carefully. I'll give you a few examples:

Last year one of my friends was irritated that guests at the events he runs always arrived late. Another one of my friends recently complained that she was tired of waiting for her husband when it was time to leave. My advice to both friends was the same; make it clear to all relevant parties that you plan to be punctual, and remind them the day before that time waits for no man (or woman), and neither does fun. If they are not ready at the correct time, they may miss some things because you will no longer delay endlessly for their convenience. If you show people that you will not wait for them, they will be more likely to be on time for you.

Resolution: Lose wait.

I was recently reading an article about a group of people who were hosting regular spaghetti dinners for their friends. This struck me as a fantastic idea, even for those who aren't pastafarians. I had tried getting together with friends in the past, but when I hosted a regular tea hour few people had attended, and going out to eat with any regularity gets expensive. The genius of spaghetti is that spaghetti is cheap and easy, and all you have to do is dump lots of flavorful Italian herbs in the sauce.

Resolution: More thyme with friends.

Over New Years Eve I met a cute young woman with blue hair. The next day, one of my friends at the party was sporting newly red hair which looked great on her. I asked her if I had just failed to notice it the previous night, and it turned out that her blue-haired friend had convinced her to dye it after the previous night's party. It now occurs to me that various other women of my acquaintance with colorful hair, be it just a pink stripe or a full scarlet treatment, look really good with festive follicles. Maybe you, dear reader?

Resolution: Go on, dye it.

Winter is a great time to cook big batches of delicious that provide you with a few days of leftovers. The trick can be fitting all those leftovers in the fridge. We've currently got Thai coconut soup, Greek chicken, Cincinnati chili, and to the dismay of Allan Sherman, the liverwurst. When I went to put leftover potato wedges away tonight, I had to push things around to make it fit, and knocked a bottle over. In the future, I should budge the bottle out of the way more gently to avoid causing destruction.

Resolution: Learn to budge it better.

There is a famous quote I've always liked, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." We are all haunted by various demons, some of which stem from our past. But it is up to us whether these demons will control our future. We can resolve not to be defined by them, to drive those demons out and be the people we want to be. The new year is a perfect time reclaim ownership over your life. Cast out your demons, and live the life you truly desire!

Resolution: Exorcise more.

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor columnist, author of "From God To Verse," and enjoys holidays where he freestyles in the moment: Rapping presence. His website is


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