The Pun Also Rises: NAPD Update


MEMO from North Adams Police Department

ATTN: North Adams Residents

In the wake of recent events, there are a few updates of which all North Adams residents should be aware:

1) We have reports of a raccoon sabotaging a power station in Adams. We believe this is connected to last month's report of a deer robbing a convenience store, and a golden retriever stealing a series of cars, including a police car and a construction vehicle. Residents are advised to keep a close eye on their pets for any signs of criminal activity, such as staying out past curfew, wearing gang colors, or using catnip.

2) Theft has increased in the area, most recently an item went missing known as "Spring." According to the officer at the scene, it was first replaced with summer, and then winter, but spring's whereabouts remain unknown. If anyone has any information regarding the disappearance of spring, they are asked to submit a seasonal haiku to the tip line.

3) We are pleased to announce that we have finished improving visibility at the corner of River Street and Marshall Street. Many accidents occurred every year at this intersection until the liquor store on the corner was knocked down, and with the tire store on the other corner now also demolished, oncoming traffic can now easily see around the corner as they speed up for the yellow lights, resulting in fewer accidents.

In an effort to increase public safety, we will be expanding this successful program to all intersections in North Adams. All buildings on every corner in North Adams will be demolished by the end of the year, which we expect to reduce the number of accidents. Admittedly this may also reduce the number of residents, but we expect that will only help in reducing the number of accidents.

4) There is no truth to the rumors that aliens have infiltrated the police department. The bright yellow footprints downtown are intended to direct people to local galleries for Downstreet Art, and are not signs that beings from another planet are walking among us. Please enjoy the variety of local art on display, and stop spreading silly unfounded rumors. Hail Zorlax.

5) For budget reasons, the North Adams Police Department can no longer afford to issue a breathalyzer device to every patrol car. In order to provide a more cost-efficient service, officers will now be required to measure blood alcohol level through the use of this questionnaire, which will be given to all individuals pulled over for suspected drunk driving:

"Please listen carefully. In order to determine your intoxication level, I am going to state some activities. What I need you to do is tell me if these seem like reasonable ideas, and then stop me as soon as I reach an activity that you think is a terrible idea that you would never do:

*Eating delicious pizza

*Crossing the street without a walk signal

*Dialing up your ex right now to talk about your feelings

*Jumping from a moving car onto another moving car because you are pretty sure you can make it

*Going all Davy Crockett and chasing a bear through the woods with a dull hatchet

*Buying a pizza from Domino's instead of any of the 17 better pizza places in town.

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor columnist, author of "From God To Verse," and is still looking for spring. His website is


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