Seth Brown | The Pun Also Rises: Valentine's Day poems

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T.S. Eliot was a famous poet and liar, who penned the immortally incorrect words "April is the cruellest month," when we all know perfectly well that it's February. February is when we've had enough winter and want it to be over, but a cruel rodent pops out of his hole in the ground to tell us that the bleak slushy grey of winter will continue for another couple months. February is when the shine has faded from any New Year's resolutions, and we're forced to accept that we are the same people we were last year, only slightly older. And February is when we suffer America's worst holiday, which somehow manages to make single people feel bad while simultaneously putting unreasonable expectations on non-single people.

Yes, Valentine's Day is the cherry atop the (urinal) cake that is February. Pressuring people in couples to do something good enough, reminding everyone not in couples that society prioritizes people in couples, and advertising it all with a horrifying winged baby wielding dangerous weapons. Yet in spite of my clear understanding of the holiday, Hallmark didn't want to hire me to write cards.

I'm as surprised as you are.

Still, just because you won't see my cards in stores is no reason for me not to share them with you, so here are some Valentine's Day poems customized to their recipients:

To A Philosophy Major

Roses are red

Violets are grue

Due primarily to the Kantian categorical imperative,

I love you.

To a Botanist

Rosa rubiginosa are red,

Viola papilionacea are blue,

My love for you grows uncontrollably

Like Japanese bamboo.

To a Computer Geek

Roses are #FF0000

Violets are #0000FF

You won't C++ an std

In functions that we ref.

To a Vegetarian

Roses are food,

Violets are also food,

I'm glad I can eat all of this steak and leave none for you,

Without being rude.

To a Journalist

Maybe you're a person worthy of love,

Or maybe you're an unlovable festering cancer.

See how false balance between two sides

Isn't always the right answer?

To an Evangelical

You love an honest man of unswerving faith and moral clarity,

Who follows Christ's ideal of marital fidelity, compassion, and charity,

Or you love a man who lacks any of that,

As long he beats the Democrat.

To an FBI Agent

I see you always watching me,

And I don't mean to entrap,

But my emails and my phone line

Aren't the only things you can tap.

To a Tennis Player

I thought that I could court you,

I thought we would have a ball,

I should have known that in your eyes,

Love was worth nothing at all.

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and hates Valentine's Day, but loves you. His website is RisingPun.com.

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