Seth Brown | The Pun Also Rises: Valentine's Day poems
Yes, Valentine's Day is the cherry atop the (urinal) cake that is February. Pressuring people in couples to do something good enough, reminding everyone not in couples that society prioritizes people in couples, and advertising it all with a horrifying winged baby wielding dangerous weapons. Yet in spite of my clear understanding of the holiday, Hallmark didn't want to hire me to write cards.
I'm as surprised as you are.
Still, just because you won't see my cards in stores is no reason for me not to share them with you, so here are some Valentine's Day poems customized to their recipients:
To A Philosophy Major
Roses are red
Violets are grue
Due primarily to the Kantian categorical imperative,
I love you.
To a Botanist
Rosa rubiginosa are red,
Viola papilionacea are blue,
My love for you grows uncontrollably
Like Japanese bamboo.
To a Computer Geek
Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
You won't C++ an std
In functions that we ref.
To a Vegetarian
Roses are food,
Violets are also food,
I'm glad I can eat all of this steak and leave none for you,
Without being rude.
To a Journalist
Maybe you're a person worthy of love,
Or maybe you're an unlovable festering cancer.
See how false balance between two sides
Isn't always the right answer?
To an Evangelical
You love an honest man of unswerving faith and moral clarity,
Who follows Christ's ideal of marital fidelity, compassion, and charity,
Or you love a man who lacks any of that,
As long he beats the Democrat.
To an FBI Agent
I see you always watching me,
And I don't mean to entrap,
But my emails and my phone line
Aren't the only things you can tap.
To a Tennis Player
I thought that I could court you,
I thought we would have a ball,
I should have known that in your eyes,
Love was worth nothing at all.
Seth Brown is an award-winning humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and hates Valentine's Day, but loves you. His website is RisingPun.com.
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