Durst: 21st Annual Political Animal Awards
A major silver lining in this cruelest month of April is a lull between show business awards galas. The lack of gold plated statuettes being flung about mercifully allows many Americans to stand upright for the first time in months. It won't be long, however, before we once again are forced to wrap ourselves in industrial strength Saran wrap to avoid drowning in the leakage of enough weepy insincerity to fill Olympic sized swimming pools with an unending torrent of ego-splooey.
Alas, the political realm remains bereft of a similar love fest, except the ultimate extravaganza scheduled for January 21st on the grounds of the U.S. Capitol. So let's give our hard working politicians the credit they so richly do or don't deserve with some made up silliness also known as Will Durst's 21st Annual Political Animal Awards.
BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE: Hillary Clinton, for her convincing portrayal of a 69-year-old grandma befuddled by her email. "Where do I put the stamp?"
THE POT, THE KETTLE AND THE COLOR BLACK AWARD: Glenn Beck, for calling Donald Trump unstable.
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL MUZZLE ISN'T WORKING, BRING OUT THE DUCT TAPE AWARD: Former president and prospective First Lady, Bill Clinton.
THE TED CRUZ MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD: For an unprecedented 45th year in a row, Ted Cruz.
THE OSCAR PISTORIUS MARKSMANSHIP AWARD: Carly Fiorina, for running on her record as CEO of Hewlett- Packard.
THE WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING AWARD: Former Republican nominee Mitt Romney, for a speech exhorting party agitators to fall in line.
THE SHEEP IN WOLVES' CLOTHING AWARD: Utah Senator Mike Lee.
THE UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT OF PAYBACK AWARD: Mitch McConnell, for his unilateral decision that a presidential term lasts only three years.
THE WHY WON'T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS AWARD - DEMOCRATIC DIVISION: Anthony Weiner, John Edwards and Elliot Spitzer.
THE WHY WON'T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS AWARD - REPUBLICAN DIVISION: Mark Sanford, David Vitter and the entire Bush Family.
THE KIBITZING AWARD: Pope Francis.
THE AL GORE CHARISMA IMPLANT AWARD: Ohio Governor John Kasich.
BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN TECHNICOLOR: Donald Trump, edging out John Boehner with a darker hue of orangitude.
THE YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES WERE UP THIRTY MINUTES AGO AWARD: Donald Trump.
THE METHINKS THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH AWARD: Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, for his insistence he is not a candidate.
THE WHATEVER HAPPENED TO... AWARD: Obamacare.
THE LAUREL AND HARDY AWARD: The comedy team of Trump and Sarah Palin.
THE OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES AWARD. Former Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, for urging the GOP to "stop being the stupid party."
THE LEAD BALLOON ENDORSEMENT AWARD: A tie between Rick Santorum trying to help Marco Rubio, and Chris Christie as Donald Trump's bouncer.
THE SO LOW ENERGY IT WAS AN EFFORT TO KEEP HIS RIGHT EYE OPEN AWARD: Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush.
BEST COMING ATTRACTIONS: Marco Rubio and Martin O'Malley.
THE EVERYBODY NEEDS A PONY AWARD: Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.
THE BEAT A DEAD HORSE UNTIL YOU'RE COVERED IN A FINE RED MIST AWARD: Trey Gowdy and the House Benghazi Committee.
BEST BET TO BE SHORT SHEETED BY A MEXICAN MAID AT THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION AWARD: Another tie - Donald Trump and Ted Cruz.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager.
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