Crazy Uncle Seth’s Halloween Advice


Seth Brown

Hey kids! It’s your Crazy Uncle Seth, here with a bunch of fun-tastic suggestions to help you make the most out of Halloween this year!

Put down that pumpkin-carving knife! I said I was sorry for suggesting that you try going door-to-door on Columbus Day with muskets, demanding candy and land. In retrospect, that probably wasn’t the best idea, but I bet you folks who brought your friend Nina along really got into the spirit, right?

Well, now it’s time to get into the Halloween "spirit," which means dressing up as something really scary: Alcohol! You can either dress "neat," or carry some rocks to say you’re on, and if you get some real alcohol...

(whispered voices)

So, Crazy Uncle Seth has just been informed that it is illegal to for minors to have alcohol, and after the Columbus Day Incident, we wouldn’t want you to have to... hey, why are you picking up that pumpkin-carving knife again?

I know, you must want to carve a pumpkin! What fun! Back when Crazy Uncle Seth was a kid, we used to carve Michael Jackson’s face into our pumpkins, and make real Jacko Lanterns. Of course, we had to then chemically bleach the pumpkin to make it lighter if we were making adult Michael Jackson, or color it darker if we were doing young Michael Jackson. That’s a lot of work, so try picking a celebrity that doesn’t require so much coloring. If orange is really the new black, then why not try a John Boehner Lantern? You don’t need to do any coloring, just add little hose attachments under the eyes for Real Crying Action(tm)!

Need a costume idea? Well, you can be literally anything you can imagine! A young boy might spend Halloween being a phone booth, President Obama, or flesh-eating bacteria. Of course, according to laws put in place in 1999, any female Halloween celebrant is required to wear a revealing outfit, so a young girl might spend Halloween being a sexy phone booth, sexy President Obama, or a sexy flesh-eating bacteria.

You might notice that these costumes are all real things, as opposed to imaginary creatures like dragons and goblins. That’s because once you grow up, nobody worries about goblins or dragons, but lots of people worry about Obama and flesh-eating bacteria! And you want to wear costumes that scare the adults, because they’re the ones with the candy.

Gee willikers! We haven’t even gone over the most important part of Halloween: Candy! You kids all know that free candy is the whole point of Halloween. That’s why we all put on masks to hide who we really are and then go around asking for sugar; it’s not just good practice for dating, but it’s also the way to get as much free candy as possible.

If you find a house that gives out good candy, you should change your costume slightly and go back up to the door. If you know any house that gives out full-size name-brand chocolate candy bars (instead of "fun-size"), you should carry one bag for candy and one bag for extra masks.

Finally, for safety reasons, it’s important to have an adult check your candy. Any peanut butter and chocolate candy should be left with Crazy Uncle Seth, for safekeeping.

Seth Brown is a humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and is completely out of his gourd. His work appears weekly in the North Adams Transcript, and weakly on


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