Seth Brown

My relationship with religion has always been weird. When I was young, I decided my 5-year-old sister was the Buddha, and decided to seek her wisdom on how to find happiness. If I recall, she said something along the lines of "Be happy is easy, just do what you want. If I don’t want to hit myself in the head, then I do that, I’m stupid." This struck me as eminently sensible, and at least as good a religious guideline for living as a proscription against shaving, wearing blended fabrics, or eating bacon.

Sometime after graduating college, I decided to translate the Bible, line by line, into rhyming couplets. I spent a decade doing this, getting through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy, and eventually publishing it in a book called "From God To Verse." I can honestly say that it is selling like hotcakes, at least insofar as I’ve also made no money this year from hotcake sales.

But at least I can eat the hotcakes if they don’t sell. Food has always been there for me in life, a constant companion walking beside me. When there was only one set of footsteps, it’s because I ate it. And that’s when I realized that my devotion needed to be focused on that which sustained me:

Praise be to Cheesus!

Now I realize some people will find this sacrilegious. But other people will find it sacrilicious, and if you’ve ever wondered why we say things like "Christ on a cracker!," it makes much more sense once you have accepted Cheesus as your lord and savor. And I definitely savor Cheesus, whose body goes very well with wine and is often served at fancy parties. Cheddar days are coming.

If you think about it, you’ll realize that cheese makes more sense than wafers for a communion anyway, for in the bible it says "Man shall not live by bread alone." It doesn’t take a cheese whiz to figure it out that for years, Cheesus has been falsely represented as a cracker, and it’s time that we set the record straight. I camembert to see Cheesus misrepresented when the words of the bible are quite clear: "Blessed are those who hunger ... for they shall be satisfied."

Following the path of Cheesus is nacho typical religion, but I think it’s the right path for me, as I havarti explained. Cheese is pretty much my favorite food, and food is one of life’s simple pleasures. Focusing on simple pleasures, and avoiding unhappiness, led me to my next religious devotion: Epicureanism. I was already an epicurean -- no biggie -- so becoming Epicurean was a simple Shift. Basically, as a 5-year-old Buddha once told me, the secret is not hitting yourself in the head.

Most recently, my thoughts on religion have been informed by Marcus Aurelius, who wrote: "Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones."

And this makes a lot of sense to me. The important thing isn’t whether or not you believe in Cheesus -- it’s whether or not you do gouda.

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and makes cheesey puns religiously. His website is RisingPun.com.