Mars One, the private space venture hoping to colonize the red orb by sending humans on a one-way forever trip to Tom Tancredo's home planet, has whittled a list of some 200,000 applicants down to just 1,058 men and women.
The first launch would send four people to Mars atop a SpaceX Falcon Heavy rocket. They would never return to Earth. I think I speak for all of us when I offer these fervent hopes for the first four people we'd like to see go:
That Justin Bieber and Sarah Palin don't fight over the makeup or hairspray. Or run out of Scooby Doo! Magazine crossword puzzles.
That Rush Limbaugh doesn't confuse the words “launch” and “lunch” and eat the colony's two-year supply of food in the first hour.
That Dennis Rodman hits his head on the door frame as he steps from the space capsule — dropping the tiny pet crate containing his North Korean pal Kim Jong Un that he stowed securely under his seat during takeoff and landing.
If this Mars One program could possibly seem any goofier — and it can't — it would be because of this: It would make a really cool reality TV show.
The Mars One foundation says a major component of the venture is a worldwide broadcast focusing on the nuts — uh, I mean civilian astronauts — who would agree to live the rest of their days where scientists say the temperature can fall to 243 degrees Fahrenheit below zero.
The show would also broadcast life inside the housing units on Mars for the first two years — or until Limbaugh ran out of fried pork rinds and pain pills and angrily smashed all the cameras.
After the first colonists settled in, four more people — I assume most of them trying to avoid the IRS or an ex-spouse — would be sent to Mars each year.
The current 1,058 candidates had to submit a video of themselves talking about leaving Earth and living in a bizarre, frightening and extremely isolated environment — a format also used on the show “Duck Dynasty.”
One of the actual candidates is 31-year-old Canadian Julie Perreault. Upon learning of her preliminary selection, she said this to a Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reporter: “I'm going to Mars, eh?” No, what she really said was, “I like to challenge myself and not let fear stop me from doing what I want to do.” As a bonus, the Canadian woman figures that at minus-243 degrees, there's bound to be some hockey.
Also on the list are eight people willing to move from Utah to Mars (like that's a big change). Among them is Kitty Kane, a young hair stylist from Provo who told The Deseret News that her purple hair “is an outward reflection of my inner Martian.”
This inner Martian theory might also explain Joe Biden, Michele Bachmann, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi; and House Speaker John Boehner — who would somehow, at 243 degrees below zero, still have a nice tan.
Sadly not on the list is our former state Rep. Doug Bruce, who would be a very valuable member of the colony if the usual friendly Martian greeting involved a good swift kick in the shin. Also not on the list is New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who was rejected because he insisted on bringing 14,000 orange highway construction cones with him — just in case someone ticked him off.