Happy New Year! If you're like most Americans, you considered making resolutions and then decided not to because resolutions seem a bit too grandiose, but you still sort of have goals you want to accomplish even if you didn't specifically make them resolutions. Also, you're overweight and don't drink enough water.
See, it's easy to know all about people without knowing them individually, just by using general trends. That's why I decided this year, everything I needed to know about my resolutions could be solved by Google's auto-complete feature, which fills in the rest of searches for you based on the general trends. So let's see how best you and I can accomplish our goals, according to the auto-complete search feature.
"Spend more time ______"
Google says you should "spend more time with family," and "spend more time at work than at home." The best way to do this is by getting your family to show up where you work. Nothing improves productivity like having your mother or husband watching everything you do to make sure you don't make any mistakes. Although technically, it doesn't specify that it has to be your family, so try to work at a business named after a family, like Sanford and Kid, or Family Dollar.
"Lose weight by eating ______"
The two top suggestions here are "lose weight by eating less" and "lose weight by eating more." The only reasonable conclusion is that you are a complete nincompoop who has the exact wrong amount of food on your plate. If you'd only eaten more, or less, you'd be less heavy. An easy remedy for this is to take a matched pair of plates, break a big piece off one of them, and duct tape it to the other one. Voila, you now have plates for eating more and less!
"I motivate myself with _____"
The suggested word here was "depression," which seems a bit counter-intuitive because when I have been depressed, I have certainly not been motivated to do anything! But then I realized, Google is probably referring to the Great Depression, which persisted throughout the 1930s. I'm really glad I'm living today, rather than back then, so I should be able to motivate myself with positive affirmations about that. Repeat after me, "Today I am going to accomplish something great, because I'm not waiting in a bread line." (May not apply if what you need to accomplish is shopping for bread.)
"Stop smoking ______"
The top result here is "Stop smoking weed," which leads me to believe some new sort of plant has been discovered that can help people stop smoking. This sounds like a great step forward, and I have no doubt that my readers will be very interested in thoroughly investigating this potentially beneficial weed to learn how it might help them stop smoking.
"Try to avoid _______"
Google largely thinks that you should "Try to avoid synonym." This is a good idea. You should definitely abstain from, avert, debar, deflect, desist from, fend off, and forbear from synonyms, because they will just be irritating. Furthermore, you should keep away from, nullify, obviate, quash, refrain from, stave off, void, and ward off equivalent words, which will just be bothersome.
"My resolution is ______"
According to Google, my resolution is "too big." Okay, fine, I'll tone it down. In 2014, I resolve to go outside at least once.
Seth Brown is a humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and is constantly searching for answers. His work appears weekly in the North Adams Transcript, and weakly on RisingPun.com.