I am sadly not a rock star. I used to collect rocks, but of quartz you can take it for granite that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being a musician with fame and an adoring audience and so forth. I think I have zero out of three.
I could have, theoretically, been a musician. My parents signed me up for piano lessons when I was very young, hoping that I might learn to play on a wild band, or with wild abandon. Instead, I whiled away hours playing games, and abandoned playing music. At least, on the piano. I gave up trying to tickle the ivories, because it was like brushing the teeth of an elephant who wasn’t ticklish. But that’s irrelephant to this story.
I briefly took up the kazoo, on the theory that it was a lot easier to carry a kazoo around with you than a piano. Unfortunately, it’s also a lot harder to convince anyone that they might want to hear you play. I had what I consider to be a pretty good run as a kazooist, considering I didn’t get paid. I played kazoo in a marching band for a few years, and also formed a classical kazoo quintet which performed a few times, including once at an art opening where we played a piece I had arranged called "Pachazoo’s Canon."
But even the kazoo ended up being too demanding for me, and I went into comedy. And while I’m grateful to have had the comedy career I’ve had, a friend of mine recently told me that all stand-up comedians wish they were rock stars instead. As a sit-down and stand-up comedian, I can confirm that this holds true for me. Rock stars, as I mentioned above, seem to acquire more adoring fans. And I imagine this is a large reason why comedians want to be rock stars; because they want to impress women.
Let’s face it, if you’re a famous musician, you have a very easy path to woo women, because I think many women hear a romantic song and think, "I wish someone would write a song like that about me." Conversely, very few women have ever listened to a stand-up routine and then said, "I wish someone would write a comedy act like that about me."
This is a shame, because when women talk about what they look for in a man, sense of humor always tops the list. But ask most women whether they’d rather have a date with Justin Timberlake or Gilbert Gottfried, very few of them will choose the stand-up comedian.
I guess the best of both worlds would be a comedian musician rock star. Tim Minchin fits that category, which is so alluring that I find myself attracted to him, even though I considered myself entirely heterosexual until the beginning of this sentence.
Alas, I remain not a famous musician. But a few friends of mine were performing at a music festival called Nerdapalooza last weekend. And while I couldn’t attend because the Florida where it happened wasn’t the one in the Berkshires, I sent my best regards to them, and they replied with lots of love.
So maybe sometimes adoration doesn’t require that you rock. You just have to be gneiss.
Seth Brown is a humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and is a sedimental old fool. His work appears weekly in the Banner, and weakly on RisingPun.com.