I should really pack. See, as soon as I wake up, I have to get in a car, and then on a bus, and then go on a long trip. So it will be important that I have everything packed before I go to sleep, a thing which should happen roughly now. Or now. Or possibly now. Any minute now.
I’ve always been a procrastinator. I’m really good at it. I’m not like all those mere amateur crastinators. I was going to start a procrastination club, but I never quite seem to get around to it. Still, even forming a procrastination club would be more fun than packing. I’d rather do something whimsical. Not to be confused with a whimsicle, which is a whim that has been frozen onnastick. Onnastick is perhaps the most satisfying way to eat food, not to be confused with onanistic, which is a more self-satisfying way.
Anyway, my point is that I always procrastinate. Especially when it comes to packing. I’m not sure why I dislike packing so much. When I manage to work myself up to it, usually it doesn’t take too long. Especially because I always try to pack as few things as humanly possible. I have friends who are always sure to pack for every occasion, sometimes bringing a multiple light and heavy options for tops and bottoms each day. I think this may make sense for people that travel by car directly from their home to their destination. If you want to bring a winter and summer wardrobe and a few spare anvils, that’s what your car is for. Or you can just save time and buy a Winnebago.
I, on the other hand, usually end up taking buses and walking for long distances while carrying everything I brought.
Consequently, my idea of essentials for a trip tends to be somewhat more limited. I will usually wear a pair of jeans, and pack a pair of shorts, which I presume is good enough for two days. Or three days. Or a week. Or a summer. If I wear sandals, I save room by not having to bring socks. This leads to a lot of meteorological optimism on my part, where I say something like, "Well, I can rely on the New England weather to maintain warm temperatures for a few days straight, so I’ll be fine with just sandals," which is obviously false.
I should probably wear clothes too. But I usually pack just enough underwear and T-shirts for each day, and presume everything else can either be re-used or isn’t important. That’s why I’ve memorized some Harry Potter spells. "Denimus Eternus" makes jeans remain clean even if worn for a week straight. "Nullificato Frosto" keeps the weather from getting cold. And "Distractio Overthereus" gets people to look away if I have accidentally forgotten to pack or wear any pants.
Not that packing is the only thing I procrastinate on. For example, I also needed to write this column before I left for my trip, so naturally I failed to write it or even think about it for many days. You may well ask how a professional crastinator like myself even finished this column at all. And the answer is simple:
I wrote this just to avoid packing.
Seth Brown is a humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and should really go pack. His work appears weekly in the North Adams Transcript, and weakly on RisingPun.com.