Here are some ingredients I like in a frittata: Eggs, cheese, zucchini, mushrooms, onions, bacon, potatoes.
Last week after cooking a big pan of frittata and leaving it out to cool for a while, I discovered that someone had added an additional ingredient.
Here is an ingredient I don’t like in a frittata: Mouse poop.
Consequently I had to throw away a lot of frittata, and was very sad. I am someone who really hates to throw out food, both because I love food, and I hate waste. And I especially hate wasting my food, which was previously totally good, and now might have been okay if I had just cut away a layer or something. I strongly considered it, but when it comes to mouse poop and food, it’s probably best not to take chances. So it was that I had to take delicious food that I had just cooked earlier that day and dump it into the trash. Still, I try to keep in mind the lesson I learned from that Disney movie, where they say "No worries: Hakuna Frittata." I can always cook more food later.
I have also found that my opinion of mice changed rapidly as a result of their use of my food as a toilet. Previously, while I’ve never been a fan of cats or dogs, I’ve always thought that mice weren’t so bad as pets, really, since they were reasonably cuddly, mostly inoffensive, didn’t jump all over you, were quiet, small, and didn’t eat a lot. All things considered, mice really are sort of cute.
As soon as one pooped in my frittata, however, it turns out that mice aren’t cute at all, but are detestable vermin that must be destroyed. (This propensity of mine to immediately hate and seek the destruction of anything that poops inconveniently is also one of the reasons I am never asked to babysit.)
Anyway, it was time to kill some mice. Previously we had tried the "Have a heart" traps, which are little plastic tubes where you try to lure the mouse to crawl in and not be able to get out. In the unlikely event that the mouse falls for this obvious setup, you then have to go release the mouse somewhere. If you release it near your house, you may as well have not bothered; it’s not a trap so much as a field trip. I wondered how far away I had to release the mouse so there would be no chance of it returning. My conclusion was: Farther than I can walk to.
Then I decided that a good place to release the mice would be "off of a high bridge over troubled water," at which point I realized I didn’t actually have a heart. So, I eliminated the middle man, and decided to go with regular old heartless death-maker traps, which are slightly more effective at killing the mice instantly.
Usually. Last week, just after the frittata incident, the trap I had set down caught a mouse, but had caught it by the leg instead of the head, so it was still alive, a small helpless creature. Seeing the poor mouse trapped there, I had a change of heart, and decided to let it go.
Just kidding. That sucker ruined my frittata, and so I killed it dead.
Seth Brown is a humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and suggests that you do not mess with his frittata. His work appears weekly in the North Adams Transcript, and weakly on RisingPun.com.