Thursday August 22, 2013

Seth Brown

Ten Things I Wonder If Anybody Else Does Or If It’s Just Me: 1) When you’re brushing your teeth, you feel the need to do it to the rhythm of a song, like the William Tell Overture (chh chh chh, chh chh chh, chh chh chh chh chh...)

2) When it comes to being famous, you don’t want to be famous so the random people you hang out with will think you’re amazing. You want to be famous so the amazing people will think you’re someone to hang out with. You consider the definition of success to be the ability to hang out with Weird Al Yankovic.

3) When your good-looking friends have new pictures pop up in the Facebook feed, and Facebook asks you, "Do you want to tag Sarah Walsh?" your response is, "Well, technically yes I do want to tag that, but I don’t want everyone to know about it, Facebook! How about having some decorum?"

4) When you take your laundry out of the dryer, you bring it upstairs and dump it on your bed, in order to force yourself to fold it and put it away before you go to sleep. This does not work, and when it’s time to go to sleep, you dump all the clean laundry back into a basket. The next day, you dump the laundry back onto the bed to force yourself to fold it. Repeat as necessary.


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5) When you are having conversation and you realize that it has become awkward, rather than gracefully changing the topic, you plow forward and boldly mention that it has become awkward, thereby removing any plausible deniability you may have had, and miring yourself and your interlocutor in awkward metacommentary, because if there’s one thing more awkward than a conversation about your feelings, it’s a conversation where you explain how awkward it is to have a conversation about your feelings.

6) When you need to cross the street, you desperately want to avoid the politeness contest that involves you and a car waving each other on at a crosswalk, so you turn the corner and pretend like you don’t want to cross at all, and as soon as that car passes you double back and dart across the crosswalk, making you look like the most indecisive pedestrian ever.

7) When you’re talking with someone about your personal life and the types of thoughts you have, you feel like you are having a revelation because you are sharing something incredibly personal and important and finally opening up. And then the person you have shared this brand new mindblowing revelation with looks sort of bored, and you realize that you have already shared it with them before, and they are sick of hearing about it.

8) When you spend a lot of time making something, you have a tendency to try to reuse it as much as possible. For example, if you put a lot of effort into writing a poem or blogpost, you might steal good lines to use elsewhere in your other writing. Hypothetically.

9) When you drop food on the floor, the more delicious it is, the more you are willing to pretend it did not get dirty. If you drop a crab rangoon on the floor, it will remain perfectly clean, even if the floor was made entirely of dirt.

10) When you’re talking with someone about your personal life and the types of thoughts you have, you feel like you are having a revelation because you are sharing something incredibly personal and important and ... Aw, shucks.

Seth Brown is a humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and wants more crab rangoon. His work appears weekly in the North Adams Transcript, and weakly on RisingPun.com.