Monday November 19, 2012

Peter Funt

For some reason -- be it post-election syndrome, pre-holiday jitters, or maybe climate change -- the nation has been hit by a tsunami of Pressing Questions. Among them:

Q: What is the fiscal cliff?

A: The actual cliff is about 45 miles north of Phoenix, Ariz. It got its name during the 2008 campaign when Sen. John McCain held a photo-op at the site, threatening to throw one Democrat off the cliff each day until there was a satisfactory resolution of the fiscal crisis.

Q: What is the fiscal crisis?

A: In human terms, it’s when someone doesn’t have enough money in his checking account to pay his Visa bill. In political terms, it’s when one party doesn’t have enough votes in Congress to pay its debt to wealthy supporters.

Q: What, exactly, did the American people say on Nov. 6?

A: That depends on whom you ask. According to House Speaker John Boehner, the American people said they want Republicans to block all efforts to raise taxes on the rich. On the other hand, according to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, the American people said Democrats should block all efforts by Republicans to block all efforts by Democrats to have the rich pay more.

Q: Isn’t that pretty much where we were on Nov. 5?

A: Yes.

Q: Who is Paula Broadwell?

A: Ms. Broadwell is the well-known author of "All In," detailing the life of Gen. David Petraeus, as well as the forthcoming book "Stars, Stripes and Shagging Forever."

Q: Who is Jill Kelley?

A: Ms. Kelley is a Florida socialite best known for setting the Guinness World Record for most e-mailing in a 24-hour period. She is also described in classified military documents as the chief architect of plans to establish a permanent residual force of Americans at the Playboy Club in Kabul.

Q: Then, who is Susan Rice?

A: Ambassador Rice is the nation’s U.N. representative, and also the Guinness Record holder for most talk show appearances in a single day. She is widely assumed to be the frontrunner to replace Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, but is said by sources to oppose State’s strict pants-suit policy.

Q: How did Latinos manage to play such a pivotal role in the election?

A: Primarily by having the savvy to organize a huge absentee vote among those who had self-deported.

Q: Why were Republican pollsters so far off in predicting the results?

A: Noted GOP gurus Karl Rove and Dick Morris relied on math textbooks discarded by the No Child Left Behind program during the Bush Administration.

Q: When will presidential candidates emerge for 2016?

A: That depends on their time zone. For example, Hillary Clinton was in Washington on Nov. 7, so she emerged at 12:15 a.m. Eastern Time. However, because Mike Huckabee was in Arkansas he was able to emerge at 11:18 Central Time, giving him almost a full hour jump on Mrs. Clinton, which could prove to be significant as the campaign unfolds.

Q: I’m still confused about the fiscal cliff.

A: You’re not alone. Many people now believe that the fiscal cliff is an invention of Fox News to destroy any chance Democrats had to savor their victory on Election Day. However, Fox News claims that Democrats are exaggerating the fiscal cliff’s danger to divert attention from more pressing matters, such as: what did President Obama know about Susan Rice, Gen. Petraeus, Ms. Broadwell, Gen. Allen, Ms. Kelley, Hurricane Sandy, and Jennifer Anniston’s wedding plans -- and when did he know it?

Peter Funt is a writer and speaker and can be reached at www.CandidCamera.com. His columns distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.