It's been thousands of years, but one thing is clear: The moment beer was invented, it was perfected.

BEER INVENTOR: Hey Jimbo, c'mere a minute, will ya? Try this. I call it “beer,” and I made it from-

JIMBO: {glunkglunkglunkglunk} Ahh. Jimbo want more.

It's simple, this beer thing. It tastes good. It makes you feel happy (until you feel sad). Goes well with pizza.

Now, sure, there's been improvements over time, but really, no different than it ever was. In fact, all beer drinkers pretty much have the same method when it comes to drinking a beer. It's a five-step process.

STEP 1: Get cold beer.

STEP 2: Open beer.

STEP 3: Pour some for your homies. (Optional.)

Jeff Edelstein
Jeff Edelstein

STEP 4: Drink beer.

STEP 5: Repeat.

Not hard, right? Well, the above is about to get complicated, as Bud Light is introducing the most useless alcohol enhancement since the invention of Zima: Resealable aluminum bottles.

That's right. You can now open your Bud Light (via screw cap), drink some, and then close it back up. To be clear: You will now be able to open a Bud Light and not finish it. Save some for later. (cough-cough-wussy-cough)

This is where we are, America? Resealing our Bud Lights? I shudder.

I can't imagine, for one moment, why anyone would want to “save some for later.” You open a beer, you either A) finish it or B) angrily throw it. There is no C) save some for later.


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To make sure I wasn't a complete lone wolf on this thing, I reached out to an expert. Frank Connell, the longtime bar manager at Tir Na Nog in Trenton, N.J. Frank is originally from County Cavan, Ireland, and quite simply, knows his beer.

“Well if everyone did that, reseal their beer, bars would go out of business quick,” Connell said. “It doesn't take that long to drink a beer, you know.”

I know, Frank. I know.

I then asked Frank what would happen at a corner pub in County Cavan if someone asked the friendly barkeep to “seal this one up, save it for later.”

“Oh, that wouldn't happen,” Frank said. “In fact, there might be a law about that, now that you mention it.”

And this isn't some little cutesy play by the geniuses at Anheuser-Busch; they invested some $150 million in the new bottles and the company bought what's known as the 1A block during the Super Bowl next Sunday to formally debut the new bottle. (That's the first commercial break, for those of you who care.)

“The new reclosable bottle continues our long tradition of innovative packaging that delivers the freshest, coldest, best-tasting beer possible,” said Pat McGauley, vice president of innovation for Anheuser-Busch via press release.

You know what would be innovative packaging? Having a hand pop out of the bottle and slap you upside the head once you decide to go the “reseal” route.

I've gone over this in my head 1,000 times, and have come up with three measly – and unlikely – explanations as to why anyone would purchase this.

1) You don't know how to drink beer.

2) You are looking for an easy way for your buddies to make fun of you.

3) For use as a portable chewing tobacco spittoon.

I don't know. Am I being too harsh on this resealable thing?

No. No I'm not. Resealable beer. I'm horrified.

Let's end this by paraphrasing the great Tom Hanks in “A League of Their Own.” Commit this to memory: “Are you resealing? ARE YOU RESEALING? There's no resealing ... there's no resealing in beer drinking. There's no resealing in beer drinking!”

Jeff Edelstein can be reached at facebook.com/jeffreyedelstein and @jeffedelstein on Twitter.